Filed under: beliefs, living my life, love | Tags: awkward, child, controller, eat, food, friend, fun, funny, game, geek, girl, kid, middle, nerd, nintendo, play, read, school, self, teen, uncle, video game, winter, Xbox
So far this winter break has been full of Stephen King novels, doctors appointments, and killing Zombie Nazis on X box while drinking diet doctor pepper and chewing too many pieces of Spearmint gum. I forgot the rush that video games can bring and I’m becoming addicted to the feel of a controller in my hand, getting excited for the day that I can come home and kick my shaggy haired little brothers ass at some game and watch his joke telling mouth fall open, speechless for once. I’m remmembering days that I would spend in my uncles basement, eating Japanese candy and pop rocks and energy drinks and playing the newest games until my eyes felt too heavy to watch the screen anymore and I collapsed on the comfy blue couch and ate pancakes and fruit loops with the tater tots in the morning. I’m remmembering the collection of superhero action figures I kept on the dresser me and my ocean eyed mom painted a crackly blue- a Batman lunchbox and thermos, tiny Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and giant Spidermans and Wonderwomans. I’m remmmembering the oversized Nintendo sweatshirt I wore day after day, and my Batman baseball hat that covered up the hack job I did on my bangs in the seventh grade. I’m remmembering all these tiny pieces of myself that somehow faded into a girl who pretended to fall asleep when you turned on your X BOx. A girl that cared much more for soap operas and romantic comedies. I’m glad I’m falling back into the beautifully awkward nerd that I once was.
I’m glad I’m collecting all these tiny pieces of myself.
Filed under: living my life | Tags: beauty, boyfriend, confident, eat, fall, girl, girlfriend, life, live, me, mexican, photoshop, school, silence, summer, teen
woke up early this morning and nothing has tasted better than that cinnamon toast crunch that i shoved in my mouth fresh outta the bag. i am a beautifully barbaric breakfast eater and i really don’t give a shit if it’s attractive or not. yesterday i was moody and quiet and you kept turning down the music to ask me what was wrong. and i met your questions with silence because lately there have been so many voices in my head i don’t know how to tell you how i feel without screaming. so i keep my mouth shut. and stare out the window at vintage green cars with big ass rims and my confused refection in the side mirror. we pulled into Qudoba and you admitted that your scared i’ll stop loving you in winter. when it gets cold and i cover all this insecurity up with chinese print sweaters and rainbow scarves. when we trade lemonade for apple cider and start filling our stomaches with candy corn and caramel apples. your scared that i’ll disappear with the summer and break you before snow falls like she did. your scared in my silence because I’m usually so full of words and songs and stories but don’t worry baby. summer’s kissing us goodbye and we could tell by the frost on your windows this morning but i’m not going anywhere. i still love you when it’s cold out.
yesterday i spent hours photoshopping my heart out. It was so easy to make my eyes look even bluer. To make my skin flawless and teethe shine. To transform the girl behind the camera lens into a rosary wearing model with pouty lips and oversized sunglasses from New York. No wonder all those stars look so gorgeous. They are perfectly fake and yet we devote our lives and our bodies and our smiles to covering up our flaws so we can look like something that might touch if you break it. A beauty so fake it’s fragile. I think I might just be done lusting over these magazine divas. Their knowing grins are lies and behind those eyes they are just the same as me.
While we laid on your couch and watched a terror flick about a prom covered in blood you told me to look at you. So i did, i peered up at your brown eyes from my comfortably paradise my head found on your chest and you told me that I have so many smiles. I laughed and you said “there’s one right there,”
i wonder which one’s your favorite.
I think I’m going to have to start smiling more often. After all, this world is full of too much beautiful chaos to spend my days lost in my head. Living is better. Living with a Smile.
Filed under: living my life, love | Tags: birthday, children, dreams, eat, girls, kids, love, nightmares
watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my sister while the sun shines through the cracks in our closed blinds and mu stomach tosses and turns the chicken dumplings i downed a half hour ago. this summer is dragging on and on but at least the nightmares have stopped and i can sleep again. I guess i was dragging around all this bad energy but once that floral pant wearing artist put her magic hands on me i was centered again.
yesterday we ran accross car filled roads, dodging trucks filled with trashy hicks who hollered at me out the window and honked with dirty fingers. they don’t see me- just a tall blonde in a tank top. they aren’t close enough to see the blue eyes, peace sign necklace, dreams of european cafe’s and 18th birthdays. they don’t see an artist, a girlfriend, a daughter, a dreamer. they see a piece of ass. sometimes this world makes me sick. open your eyes all you gritty truck drivers of america, that seventeen year old you honked at is so much more than another girl to honk at.
you held my hand even though i was dripping sweat and my toes were still caked with dirt from the soggy lawn at the Dave Matthews concert. we found refuge in Barnes n Noble while you flipped through UFC magazines and I looked at glossy pictures of toned perfection. 31 moves to get your abs toned this summer. 20 foods to slim down. how about 100 reasons why i should put down this magazine and start loving myself in spite of the fact that I am so far from these starving beauties? that’s what i should be reading. by the time we picked up your car from Pep Boys my purple eyeshadow was smudging and my head felt too heavy on my neck. thankfully, I had you to rest it on while we waited in traffic and your dad yelled at you to get your head out of your ass. we both laughed silently as the sun beat down on your adorable farmers tan. If my camera wasn’t so heavy I’d be snapping pictures of us at that red light, but it is so the last time i felt my finger on that button was at my cousins birthday party. we filled three tables at Friday’s and her strawberry blonde hair looked shinier than ever. Her blue eyes are so full of the world and when she looks at me I feel like i could actually be somebody’s hero. When she reaches up for me to hold her,
I feel like I deserve to be looked at that way. I feel like I want to hold her forever.
My Own Bohemia 